We had a conversation today about wanting and needing others in our lives. I lied so much during that time, and not that i condone it, but i guess i felt like i needed to protect myself. To try to make up for it without anyone knowing, here's what i really wanted to say...
To better explain me, here's my ugly past. My dad (yes admitted or I wouldn't have known) told me that he didn't even want me from day 1. He beat me and the others everyday for minor things. Later on, he wouldn't help give a little money to help us out, my mom went to school and work several jobs to take care of us. I couldn't even get him to send me $5/month to help me with gas to go to school. He switched jobs constantly to keep from paying child support.. so already, a family member willing to do what it takes to keep me away. My 2 brothers and my sister sided with a girl my brother was dating, because i knew the way she was, and they didn't care. So my other family members deserted me. To this day, there's separation with us.
When i went to school, none of the kids wanted anything to do with me. I spent most of my days to myself. I tried being the class clown to get attention, but that even blew up in my face. The girlfriend i eventually got, for a year, would dump me on class trips.. go with someone else, then later tell me it would work. I was considered (too white) for blacks, and it being kentucky, i had no place among the whites.
The friend i eventually had that became my best friend, died in a car wreck shortly after i was forced to move. To this day, i still blame myself for not being there to stop him.
The next best friend I had (my dog kilo), my mom put him to sleep because he was a burden to her. He understood me and stayed by my side when i needed him. I loved him so much. She told me she did it one day when she came to work, then left that evening to go to st. louis for the weekend. She planned it so carefully. She still doesn't realize how much it hurts me. Now, that's my past in a nutshell.
As for today, I went through another g/f who called to break up with me after 2 1/2 months cause she wanted someone else and i was just a fling. The next person i chased for 3 years with no luck and no truth to why. I love it even more how much ppl keep throwing it in my face about how much a fuck up i am over her.
So yes, I eventually decided i didn't need anyone, cause when i tried to end my loneliness, it was just thrown back at me. I do long for someone to come along in my life and be there with me. I sit in my car most days after work and stare at the moon and wish. I know i'm ready for a relationship, however, i often stop and ask.. "what's the use?" I'm even afraid to call derek (good friend) my best friend cause i'm afraid something will happen to him even, even tho he doesn't know that. It's happened to my other 2 best friends, why not him?
So yes, I want someone in my life. I need someone in my life, but for all the wrong reasons, I don't ever see that happening and i'm afraid to accept it. Am I wrong?